Truly Obnoxious Pet Names and the People Who Choose Them
How does that nursery rhyme go? Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me?
Well, tell that to the hordes of aggrieved pets living with the outright obnoxious names their loved ones have given them. As a veterinarian I see plenty of demeaning and just plain strange names in my medical records. To be sure, pets named Lola, Zoe, Chloe, Max and Brandy are over-represented (which is a post in and of itself), but this entry is all about the off-beat and even off-color appellations pets are subjected to in the name of “love.”
Now, don’t for a second think I’m above naming a pet something that truly seems to suit him but is less than charming. After all, I named my Pug mix Slumdog, seeing as he (a) emerged from the Miami slums and (b) possesses no more than two brain cells he might occasionally rub together to maintain his basic bodily functions. (Yes, that’s right, I absolutely adore a ridiculously brainless dog.)
But that less than politically correct moniker is nothing compared to some others I’ve seen in my many (I won’t say how many) years in veterinary practice.
I got to thinking about this topic last week when I read a DVM Newsmagazine feature on the most outlandish, off-kilter pet names its veterinary readership has ever encountered. Here’s a quick rundown of the ones I liked best:
- Chicken Nugget
- Mr. Chickenwig
- Laundry Blankie
- Mr. Milky Mouth
- Fresno Fair Zucchini Corndog (aka, Zuk)
- Toby Toes McPurr
- Bucket Sprouthead
- Pussy Moo
- Baby Jesus
- Reverend Phatty
- Fluffy Fusty Feather Fungus
- Dory Fluffenheimersheim
- Mister Tsuemo Bangkok Hipszer
- Darth Kitty
- JaMocha Frappuccino
- Sir Freaks-a-Lot
- Antobia Bandogas
- Portia Snicklefritz
- S.A.M. (acronym for “She’s a Mutt”)
- D.O.G. (pronounced “Dee-OH-gee”)
- Nematode (a veterinarian’s dog, of course)
- Yo Quiero
- Snarfpolas Skinks
- Easy Wheat
- Snack Attack
- Poop (Maybe it’s just me, but how can you not love this name?)
- MacWeezal and Scarlet MacWeezal (lovers, no doubt)
Of these, I think I’ll keep Foodworld and Yardsale in mind for my own pets. Adorable!
Then there’s always the confusion that attends the eccentricity of naming all of your pets the same thing. One of my clients has three Golden Retrievers, all named Yuker (after Major League Baseball player Bob Uecker, in case you’re wondering). Or the client who keeps naming Yorkie after Yorkie Sir Scruffy. (At least these are sequential, so it doesn’t wreak havoc with our medical records system like the Yukers do. (“Is this Yuker 1, 2 or 3, ma’am?”)
So are these naming decisions truly obnoxious or did they happen in the name of love?
Seeing as I’ve got a Slumdog in my house, I do believe I’m willing to grant the Poops and Sir Freaks-a-Lots of this world more of a pass than I might’ve done before. But please offer your opinions below (along with your favorite kooky pet names, of course).